IVF IX – Part 6 : The Voice Of Reason

“Its impossible.” said pride
“Its risky.” said knowledge
“Its pointless.” said reason
“Give it a try.” whispered my heart

Although we’ve had yet another disappointment, on the eve of our egg donor’s second egg retrieval, we’re still evaluating our options. Weighing up how we’re going to move forward. Running through the various scenarios and possibilities. Do I do another final 10th IVF round before embryo transfer with our surrogate in June? It took us 8 rounds of IVF to achieve 1 viable embryo. What are the chances of getting another one in just one more round, but then again, just as we were giving up all hope … voila! … a viable embryo!

On the other hand my body is screaming at me that it’s had enough. 9 rounds of IVF in 12 months. Almost an entire year of endless drugs, vials, tablets, syringes, needles, swabs, tears, scans, angst, anesthetics, hormonal crabbiness, heart-ache ….

For the moment I’m adopting a ‘wait and see’ attitude.

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IVF IX – Part 5 : Yet more heartache

I’m not a defeatist, nor am I one to wallow in self pity … but there has been one question that has continued to pop up in my head as part of this IVF journey … “why me?”. The call from the nursing sister came through this morning. Our embryo hasn’t grown which is not good at all. By today it should have been at a 6 cell which would have enabled the lab to do PGD testing. Whilst they will continue to monitor our single embryo over the next 24 hours, it’s unlikely that the situation will change.

I’ve got a lot stronger in this process. I no longer feel anger or resentment when friends or family beam about their babies, children or pregnancies … but that little question pops in my head … “why me?”. Why can’t I have what comes so easily to others.

I haven’t cried, I haven’t got upset … I’ve just felt strangely numb today, preparing myself for what will most likely be yet another disappointment. I was so hoping to bring everyone good news … perhaps tomorrow will be brighter day.

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IVF IX – Part 4 : Still hopeful

The daily phone calls after egg retrieval are simply nerve shattering. I never do well in these days – going from ever optimistic to doubtful to facing reality head on. Our single little embryo isn’t doing too well. Today it should have been between a 2 and a 4 cell … we’re sitting at 3 cell, which isn’t bad, but not that great. Quality wise though it’s not faring very well either. It’s a 3 out of 5.

Whilst I’m still hopeful, I won’t be surprised if the update tomorrow isn’t good. Then again … it’s Good Friday so perhaps anything is possible?! I’ve never quite figured out why it’s called Good Friday. According to the bible, Jesus was tortured and crucified on this day … what could possibly be good about that? … but I digress. Perhaps for us it will truly be a GOOD Friday and not one where a crucifixion takes place.

One would think that by the 9th round I’d be fairly immune to the ‘results days’ that follow … I’m not. In some ways it makes it that much harder.

In the meantime, I stay attached to my phone waiting for THE phone call …

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IVF IX – Part 3 : Missing The Boat

Yesterday morning I woke up early and grumpy (nothing new there!) to make it to the clinic by 7:30am for my harvest. Early mornings in our household are a little tricky to say the least – especially when we’re on a time schedule. We have a Pit Bull that won’t get up before 7am and negotiating with 36kg’s of lead weight that seriously doesn’t want to move out of bed is challenging at the best of times. On the flip side our overeager Jack Russell invariably wakes me up about an hour before the alarm clock in eager anticipation for her breakfast – regardless of what time the alarm is set for. Then we have a new member in the family a 7 month old Africanis that has the concentration span of a flea, whose only interested is in playing, when he should actually be getting on with the business of doing his business and eating his breakfast.

When I strolled into theater at 8am there was an anaesthetist on duty that I hadn’t me before which was weird – thought I knew everyone there? I’m guessing however that she figured I’d lied about my weight, as she gave me a hippopotamus dose of drugs knocking me out six love. Do I look THAT bloated?? It took me just about forever before I was vaguely aware of what was going on around me afterwards, which isn’t normally the case. Turns out that our trusty Doc had missed the boat and harvested too late. 2 of my 3 follicles had already released their eggs – to be lost in the abyss of nowhere-dom and only one intact follicle remained. This was despite the fact that I was on Cetrotide, which is supposed to stop me from ovulating until I’m given the trigger shot of Ovidrel. So only 1 egg. Something had once again gone wrong … and I’m left feeling miffed, cheated and downright disappointed.

Perhaps my body has reached a stage where it’s simply got so confused it doesn’t quite know what to do, which is complicating things for everyone? Who knows. The update today was that our single little egg has fertilised, so we’ll see how things unfold over the next few days.

Our egg donor on the other hand is back in Cape Town for the Easter weekend, has started her medication and will be going in for a scan on Friday. My thoughts at this time are … do I go for one final round before embryo transfer? I’m not sure. Perhaps I’ll wait to see what the outcome is over the next few days.

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IVF IX – Part 2 : Mini holiday … or perhaps not?

Whilst I’ve been having the WORST case of hormonal bi-polar-like symptoms EVER for over 3 WEEKS, I’ve been driven to becoming a comfort eating hermit – shoveling (yes, shoveling) in oats, Strawberries, Olive oil, Natural yoghurt, Brown rice (kind of – well it’s chewy!), Sunflower seeds … all the “good mood food” I can lay my hands on. The scale thankfully hasn’t budged (much), but as usual I’m still feeling puffy. bloated and decidedly flabby. I’ve avoided almost all social contact and thrown myself into my animal rescue work with the odd grumble and scowl, despite the culinary high I’m supposed to be on with all the ‘feel good’ food I’m eating. Thankfully LH and the fur-kids seem to be surviving … just … and haven’t got any forks sticking out of them … yet.

The verdict when we visited the doc was that his partner had misread my cycle and triggered ovulation too early … hence zero egg result. LH and I had kind of figured that one out for ourselves, so my hormonal mood merely darkened even further to dangerous levels on hearing this news – dangerous for anyone around me that is. The decision was to give my body a bit of a break from the hard core cocktail of multiple drugs and only keep my ovaries ‘awake’ through a low dose of Clomid in preparation for another and most likely final round at the end of April, whilst getting back on track with my cycle. I’d need a blood test to measure my LH levels to calculate more or less when I should start taking the Clomid – but I was essentially taking a break. On hearing this decision, I breathed a sigh of relief. A mini holiday! This meant being able to finalise plans like my husband’s birthday celebration for mid April and more hands on on-sight involvement with the rescue organisation in the townships, plus get back on top of my fledgling business.

After a week of no drugs at all and feeling normal for a little more than 3 days, I started with the relatively low doses of clomid last week for 7 days. Then my week and my plans started unraveling. First headline news glared at me on Thursday that John Varty was in critical condition in hospital after being attacked by one of his tigers at Tiger Canyons … just when I’d booked a surprise long weekend away for LH and I to spend time with John and the tigers in April. Whilst I wish John a speedy recovery, I can’t help but feel it might be for selfish reasons … I really don’t want to have to cancel our trip and make rushed last minute alternative arrangements, although I suspect I will just have to – I’ll find out in this coming week.
Then I went for a scan on Friday to see where I was in my cycle. Ta-daaa!!! 3 fabulously looking, large follicles. Another blood test and … yes judging by my LH levels, they’re follicles and our trusty Doc wants to use them … there goes my mini holiday. So later on Friday, I started some last minute full blown treatment / drugs – 2 jabs per day … and today 3 jabs – about to get it now – LH drawing it up. Egg harvest / retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday, which means I’ll be out of action on Wednesday – still in a drug induced haze and unable to drive … just when I have a mass spay day scheduled, sponsored by one of the local radio stations that’s going to be with us (the organisation I volunteer for), with camera crew and broadcasting from the spay day. A big publicity break and I’m going to miss it all!!!!

Thankfully I haven’t yet organised a bash for my 40th birthday … which incidentally was over a month ago … As they say IVF just about puts your life on hold – between feeling like shit and not being able to really plan anything …

Aaarrghhhhhh!!!!! These had better be healthy little eggies … or our trusty Doc may just need to have a fork surgically removed from his backside … shit we’ve run out of strawberries.

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IVF IX – Part 1 : Moody Food

The good news is that my trusty Doc is back from his travels to India. The bad news is that I’m still rather cranky. The even worse news is that my trusty Doc has no idea where I am in my cycle which means I’m having to go for blood tests every second day until he can determine to a greater or lesser degree what my hormones are doing. In case you were wondering, it isn’t helping my grumpy state at all. Sigh … I can’t believe I’m actually about to say this, but it would be so much easier if I still had periods.

So during the week I read an article about ‘good mood food’. The article goes on to say that:
Vitamin B1 – improves poor concentration (doesn’t say whether that includes hormonally induced poor concentration or not.
Vitamin B3 – alleviates depression, stress
Vitamin B5 – improves poor memory
Vitamin B6 – alleviates depression, poor memory, irritability, stress
Vitamin B12 – alleviates poor memory, confusion
Folic acid – relieves anxiety, depression
Magnesium – relieves anxiety, depression, irritability, stress, insomnia
Vitamin C – alleviates depression
Selenium – alleviates depression, irritability
Zinc – relieves depression, confusion, blank mind, loss of appetite, lack of motivation
Omega 3 – alleviates depression, poor memory
Tryptophan – alleviates depression

So for the sake of LH and all those around me, I’ve taken all of this information and am applying it to my daily diet … well trying to. The Vit B6 and Folic Acid I’m already taking in pill form – have been for over a year now on instructions from the doc. Has it made a difference? Urmmm … not that I or LH have noticed. There are still times when I get the urge to stick a fork in his throat for the slightest little thing, but then thankfully forget a few moments later. All other vitamin supplements are off limits – but a healthy balanced diet is required. So whilst I’ve been eating lots of fruits and vegetables and have stayed away from processed foods or anything artificial, I’ve made a mental note to also:

1. Eat a whole load more brown rice for the B1, B3, B5, B6, Selenium. I always find brown rice chewy as all hell, but will have to persevere!
2. Add porridge oats to my diet for the B1, B3, B5, B6, Selenium. Maybe this is a better option than the chewy rice. I wonder if the instant packet one will be as effective?
3. Add sunflower seeds to all my salads and perhaps even to the oats in the morning, for the magnesium, omega 3, zinc and selenium.
4. Continue to enjoy strawberries and oranges for the Vit C as well as chicken and natural yoghurts for Vit B12 and lastly olive oil for the omega 3.

Here’s hoping that my more specific diet plan for this week will lift my mood, not pack on any kilos to my already bloated body and make the never ending needles, poking and prodding that’s involved in this process more bareable and somewhat less annoying!

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IVF VIII – Part 2 “Who’re you calling grumpy?”

It’s come to the attention of certain people that I can be a bit of a grump. Ok, so admittedly I can be a little grumpy every now and then. Who can blame me with all these hormones coursing through my system month after month? Before we embarked on this journey, I had no idea what affect hormones could have on one’s system, mood and general state of mind – its hellish … but at least now I know who my friends are! My friends are the people, who instead of looking at my moodiness as a flaw, celebrate it, look past it and continue to support me ratty mood swings and all in the dream I’m striving to achieve.

Well we started the trickle doses of Gonal F on the weekend preceeding my 40th birthday which was on 27th February. In celebration of the BIG 4-0, LH took me to what must be one of the most romantic destinations in South Africa – hidden away in a valley on the banks of the Sabie River in Mpumalanga. A place called Timamoon. I celebrated my 40th with mixed emotions, with the realisation that yes … I would need a fire extinguisher to put out all of the candles on my cake … yes I am getting old … that I’d failed to reach my milestone of being a mother before turning 40 … and that yes I will be one of the older mothers dropping our kid(s) off at school … perhaps even overhear their friends yell “Your granny’s here to fetch you” … LOL!! … but I also realise that I am loved, have the support and encouragement from fabulous friends, family, some special people who barely know me and others that I’ve never met … I’m also blessed with an incredible and extremely patient LH and a quirky fur-kid family who see past my moods and are always happy to be with me.

However I digress … once we returned I went for a scan on the following Monday 5th March, anticipating to see little developing follicles – instead I saw 2 enormous follicles in the left ovary that looked more like cysts than follicles and 1 tiny budding follicle in the right ovary. Murphy’s Law also meant that LH for the first time ever wasn’t with me, our trusty Doc was away in India presenting at a conference and I was feeling particularly grouchy, bloated and achy – like I was at the end of my cycle, yet I was meant to be at the beginning?? Had something gone wrong? Was my body finally objecting strongly to all the hormone injections, tablets and poking? Doc’s colleague didn’t seem so sure of himself – follicles? cysts? follicles? … no maybe cysts?? So eventually I tentatively asked him whether our trusty Doc was contactible and if he was planning to speak with him. Well … I may as well have set a fire cracker up his arse as he justified his experience and spluttered about how he didn’t need to speak to our trusty Doc. Quite honestly at that moment I didn’t know whether to launch myself at him with talons and fangs bared, burst into tears or give him a pacifier. I opted for the latter by stroking his ego and assuring him that I wasn’t questioning his ability. Argh!!! Where is LH and our trusty Doc when I need them??? Finally after another blood test it appeared as if I was actually at the END of my cycle and about to ovulate – so what we were seeing were follicles and not cysts. LH and I made a hasty decision to trigger ovulation and make use of the 2 visible follicles. After hurried rescheduling of our week’s meetings and plans, I went into theatre for egg retrieval on Wednesday 7th March … only to yield … 0 … big fat ZERO! Over the edge grumpy!!

Trusty Doc is back this coming week, so we have a meeting with him on Monday and another blood test on Tuesday.

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IVF VIII – Part 1 Ski Season

There have been a number of women who have asked me why I choose to blog and share my story, our journey to parenthood as painful and personal as it has been, with the rest of the world. Baring my soul for all to see … exposing at times my stripped down raw emotion. My response, perhaps rather inadequately has always been, so that others can learn, be encouraged and find solace when faced with similar challenges. Today however I was directed towards a particular Facebook page and these words jumped out at me.

“When we have the courage to break painful silences, we give others permission to speak and have their pain acknowledged too.” -Malika Ndlovu- So powerful and so true. This is the very reason I’m sharing our journey – the good and the bad, the milestone celebrations and the devastatingly hard falls.

Right now we have two Little Perfect Embryos (LPE’s) on ice. I have to be honest that I’ve been battling with the idea that our little one’s are sitting in a freezer in the lab. LH however made me smile when he said I should look at it this way … Our LPE’s are on a ski trip whilst we get our ducks in a row! Am I being greedy and selfish for wanting to have another 2 LPE’s available as our back up plan? Perhaps. It’s certainly a thought that has crossed my mind and not one that I’ve completely figured out yet. What I do know is that I need to listen to my gut and my instincts … and I’m listening.

In this week the Doc is going to chart when I am to start with the next round of IVF, as we are still hopeful that perhaps the universe will once again align for us and give us another viable (LPE). Ok, so it did take us 7 times with our first one, but one never quite knows what’s in store and around each corner along this path. I live in hope. Our egg donor has agreed to do another round for us between 30th March and 9th April. Between our egg donor and I, we should hopefully be able to create at least another LPE … or two.

Whatever the outcome with our egg donor or me, we’re scheduled to do embryo transfer in May or June with our Surrogate Mom :-) . 2012 is going to be our year … I’m determined it’s going to be!

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IVF VII Part 6 – The Way Forward

What can I say LH and I are still floating on Cloud 9 with goofy grins on our faces, although I did shed a tear of frustration and in self pity today after hearing that yet another cousin of mine is going to have a baby. For crap’s sakes they’ve only been married for about a year and hey effing presto – big announcement! What really stung was being emailed a picture of their ultrasound. No matter how brave I may seem or stoically courageous I appear, its at moments like these that I simply crumble. It doesn’t help matters that LH is away on a business trip (not his fault!) – so I sobbed into Kira’s fur (our Jack Russel in case you were wondering), her warmth and softness easing away my pain, anger, anguish and downright stupid self pity. In the midst of all the “happy family announcements”, I mustn’t loose sight of the fact that after 7 rounds of IVF, 6 ice cream tubs full of syringes, needles and vials, we finally have a good result and a precious embryo! Many of you have been asking what the next step is. For now, although we’re thrilled with our embryo we’re still being cautious, as we realise that we’re still not quite there yet – in fact we’re only about half way.

What am I talking about? From here on, there are a number of risks and potential failures that could still stand in our way of reaching our goal … our dream. Our little perfect embryo (LPE) is currently being kept on ice (frozen) alongside our other LPE from the donor egg, until we’re ready to do embryo transfer with our surrogate mom (SM), whose been patiently waiting in the wings all of this time! Our LPEs still have to go through the thawing process and then implantation, all of which have their own associated failure / success statistics. Something could go wrong with the thawing or something could go wrong with implantation. We’re of course hoping / pleading that this is the turning point where it all goes smoothly from here on. There are only so many emotional knocks that one can take and right now we’re feeling like punching bags.

As I’m not the gambling type I’m wanting to play it extra safe and continue to try to get another viable embryo from either me or our donor. For now I’m taking a break for a month before picking up the needles and syringes again towards the end of February / beginning of March. Our donor will also be doing another round for us at the same time. My aim, if possible is to have another 2 embryos on ice as a back up plan. Depending on the results in March, I may do one more round in May and then we’ll have embryo transfer take place in May or latest June.

Our SM and I met for coffee today to catch up and chat about / plan the way forward, as we haven’t seen eachother since last year. I think she’s relieved that things seem to be moving forward now. LH and I are finally … FINALLY getting to a point where we can see a glimmer of hope on the horizon and start planning the next step! … we hope …

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IVF VII Part 5 – What was that you said?!?!?!

I’ve been quiet … sorry … but yesterday … um Wednesday (didn’t realise its already passed midnight!) … went by in a bit of a blur and today … um Thursday … I’ve been feeling a little fragile whilst rushing around doing home checks for a rescue organisation I volunteer for and dealing with a crisis.

Why was Wednesday a blur?? LH decided to work from home in the morning as we anxiously waited for the final PGD results to come through. When the call did eventually come through, I think LH was too nervous to speak with them directly as he handed me my phone that he had answered with wide eyes, whilst I was lathering ointment on one of my foster kittens that has come down with ringworm! So there I am craddling the phone between my shoulder and ear, unhappy kitten in one hand, goey ointment on the other when I hear the Doc’s voice. My heart sank. Much like with Greg, the Doc normally also delivers bad news … then again it’s not like we’ve had any good news at this phase … that is until now.

At first I wasn’t sure I had understood the Doc correctly, so he had to repeat it about 3 times! We have one perfectly formed, normal, healthy embryo!!!!!!! The tears of joy rolled down my cheeks as LH and I hugged eachother tightly, whilst my ointment lathered foster kitten scampered away breathing a sigh of relief. Seven rounds of IVF later we have a perfect embryo. We always knew it was a stats / numbers game, but at a point when we were about to give up … everyone’s hopes and prayers came together.

LH and I celebrated with a romantic dinner … accompanied with some wine (not that much mind you) … the effects of which we were feeling on Thursday. The distinct lack of any alcohol during IVF turns one into a “cheap date” – just a sniff of the cork will start the head spinning!!

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