Where To … Part 5: Drawn Out Cloudy Days

What started out as a status update on Facebook has now turned into a blog post …

I’m feeling rather bleak today. I went from feeling rather green yesterday after a Sunday afternoon of overindulging in lovely pastries and cakes during an afternoon tea session with some girl friends, to being somewhat blue / bleak today. Maybe our deal in life is not to have a family of our own. I’m tired (yes tired and somewhat grumpy) of well meaning people saying “Don’t worry it’ll just happen when you least expect it. You just need to relax.” or “You’re trying too hard. Just let it happen.”. Maybe I need a loud-hailer to yell “WITHOUT A UTERUS, WITHOUT LOADS OF GOOD EGGS, NOTHING WILL ‘JUST FUCKING HAPPEN’!”. Shagging like bunnies was taken off the table the day my patchwork uterus popped like a balloon, suitable egg donors don’t just fall out of trees, surrogate mothers aren’t exactly popping out of the woodwork saying ‘pick me!’ and NO our family (if ever we have one at this rate) won’t just miraculously appear out of thin air. We have to make it happen with whatever means and legal ways are available to us.

So here we are. Our potential surrogate mother turned out to be shady and a fraudulent crook = no surrogate mother. Our new egg donor can’t hang around forever and she’s available in March / April – we either use her or lose her to someone else. It’s a cut and dry business deal – no frills, no freebies, no ‘specials’. Eggs for cash in March – take it or leave it. Our intention was to do fresh embryo transfer, but without a surrogate mother and a good but hasty egg donor wanting to cash out her egg pension over the Easter holidays, we have to do the next best thing. We are going to have to freeze any viable embryos. Frozen embryo transfer has a much lower success rate, as we know from experience, but we don’t exactly have a huge number of options right now.

So therein lies my bleakness today.

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5 Responses to Where To … Part 5: Drawn Out Cloudy Days

  1. People can say the dumbest things, I guess it’s because your situation makes them uncomfortable so they’d rather gloss over it with some well meaning but empty words than have to deal with your pain.
    Hang in there…
    Oh and FYI – FET’s have come a long way in the last few years with improved freezing and thawing processes, the success rates have started to climb, my one and only BFP from fertility treatment came from a FET after 4 fresh IVF’s.
    But I get what you’re saying… sometimes living with hope is harder than living with no hope at all.

  2. Perhaps you’re right Sharon and perhaps I’m being overly harsh in expecting everyone around us to ‘get it’. Truth is unless you’ve experienced it yourself, “been there, done that and worn the T-shirt”, you can’t possibly begin to understand. My comment on FET was based on the fact that we lost an embryo in the thawing process. I know things have progressed tremendously and it’s amazing what they can do in the labs … but things can and do still go wrong. As you will know, there are so many damn stumbling blocks!
    Thank you for all your support, advice and simply just ‘being there’.

  3. Hi,
    Im new to your blog and am currently reading them backwards, but Im sure I missed it, just wondering if you are looking through an agency for a surrogate? Im sorry for how hard everything is, but-It will get better :)

    • Hi Marlene,

      Sorry for the late reply, I needed a break from the blog for a little while. My experience with agencies has been really bad in the past and not very successful either, especially now that legally they cannot profit from a surrogacy contract.

    • Apologies for the late reply Marlene. There aren’t really any agencies available in South Africa any more as in the past they were all in it for the money and used to charge really high fees, either overtly as a fee, or covertly through inflated attorney costs for drawing up contracts. With the changes in legislation however, which doesn’t allow anyone to profit directly from a surrogacy relationship (other than professionals in their field), most agencies (if not all) have now closed their doors.

      I certainly hope things will get better … it’s been a long and arduous journey.

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